When I turned 20, Nai, my maternal grandmother, started reading me the marriage ads in our local newspapers. A typical ad read: “So-and-so, male, 27 years old, teacher, 1.73m, university graduate, monthly income of nearly 1,000 yuan, seeks attractive girl, medium height, between 21 and 25.” To her, my single status was a rash that itched her more every year, as she worried that I would miss the marriage proposal.
My mother more subtly urged me to try harder to “solve my personal problems.” I liked to point out that she often complained that Nai had ruined her chances of marital happiness. When my mother was 20, Nai introduced her to a man through a neighbor and urged her to marry him within a year. That man, my father, turned out to be not so nice. But divorce was unthinkable for a woman of her generation.
Although my parents’ marriage was unhappy, I wanted to get married. I just took my time to find the right one. My mother appreciated that, but she also added, “Make that a priority. A woman without a husband is nothing.”
In a way, I understand why Nai was so keen for us to start our own families. Marriage changed her fate. As a young orphan, she was sold to a brothel, where she met my grandfather. He later made her his concubine. When the communists took power and men were only allowed one wife, my grandfather decided to keep his good-natured concubine as his legal wife.
As a young woman, I never asked myself why I wanted to get married. I thought that marriage was something everyone wanted, a necessary stage in life.
How things have changed.
26:22
No longer “left over”: China’s women take command
No longer “left over”: China’s women take command
Mina is a beautiful 34-year-old interpreter from Shanghai. She originally wanted to get married before her 30th birthday and have two children before her 35th birthday, but her career took off. Soon after, she started her own company, providing interpreting services for international conferences and the like. She slowly gave up the idea of having children.
Raising children would take up “too much” of her time and energy, while marriage would be a big “maybe.” “If I meet someone I’m madly in love with, I’ll get married,” she said. Her priority is success in her career.
03:05
Taking the plunge: Wedding worries plague China’s industry in light of declining marriage and birth rates
Taking the plunge: Wedding worries plague China’s industry in light of declining marriage and birth rates
I believe this trend is driven by educated urban women. It is in line with what is happening in more developed countries. Once women have a good education and a good job, they are less interested in getting married.
03:15
Young feminist opposes Chinese government’s child initiative as population shrinks
Young feminist opposes Chinese government’s child initiative as population shrinks
Divorce has become more socially acceptable in most cities, although some of the older generation still consider it shameful. When I told my mother over 18 years ago that I was getting a divorce, she was heartbroken. Once again, she started nagging me about finding a husband. “A woman is nothing without a man,” she claimed.
I was divorced, but also an author whose books had been published worldwide, who had taught at top universities like Harvard, and who had been interviewed by the BBC. Was I still a nobody just because I didn’t have a husband? I swallowed those words, knowing there was no point in arguing with her. Until she died five years ago, my mother kept my single status “secret.”
What is causing more women to reject marriage is the more liberal attitude towards sex. In cities, sex before marriage is now common practice.
Also in Shanghai, I interviewed a successful businesswoman, a single mother. When she discovered she was pregnant after an affair about eight years ago, she decided to keep the child because she believed her child would love her more than a husband. She has never regretted this decision.
Since my youth, China has made great progress not only in its economic development but also in its enlightened social attitude. Finally, women have the right to make decisions that reflect their wishes.
Do I still want to get married? Not necessarily – unless I meet someone I’m madly in love with.
Lijia Zhang is a rocket factory worker turned social commentator and the author of the novel Lotus
