Ban all domestic dogs in pubs – you know I’m right

BWho lets the dogs in? That’s the question the Baha Men never dared to ask. But it’s also a question that has never seemed more pressing to a dogless person like me. We’ve all been there, of course: Sitting in the bar, or maybe even the restaurant, next to a group of people who, for some goddamn reason, have decided to bring a dog with them. These pet owners grant these animals a level of access to the human world not even granted to Scooby-Doo, letting their beloved pooches loiter around, drown out neighbors’ conversations, run across tables (if they’re small enough), and soak up the excited coos of passersby as they flap around uncontrollably.

I’m not the only one annoyed by pugs in our pubs; on Sunday, a tweet from a British carpenter complaining about this very phenomenon went viral. “Just sat down for a nice family meal,” he wrote. “After ten minutes, a couple with three dogs comes. One barks the whole time, the wife laughs about it but she can’t control herself and can barely hear us talking. I prefer the days when it was the norm to keep them outside.” He cited other hygiene violations – the service staff eagerly petted the dog without obviously washing their hands afterwards. It’s clear that the X/Twitter user has hit a nerve: the post has already been viewed almost 3 million times and has collected thousands of comments and 12,000 likes.

But he’s right: the country’s penchant for dogs makes outings worse for the rest of us. Pubs in 2024 are often a minefield anyway – dull, characterless decor, shabby and urine-soaked men’s toilets, pints that cost as much as a used car. Do we really need to add dogs into the mix? The dogs themselves certainly have little to gain from being tethered to a table in a boxy beer garden. Far be it from me to suggest that people bring their pets to public restaurants just for the attention – but it seems to be a situation where the downsides axiomatically outweigh any amenities there might be.

To be honest, I’m probably not the most balanced person who can comment on all things dog-related. As a young child, I was terrified of dogs, and although I’ve slowly been able to transform that fear into a harmless apathy – rather than a Cruella de Vil-like vendetta – there’s something about dog ownership that I just not get. I also agree with the idea that pubs (and to a lesser extent restaurants) are communal spaces. One should not go to a bar expecting peace and solitude – the hustle and bustle of human coexistence is, after all, part of the fundamental appeal of pubs. But to be clear, this is human I’m talking about living together – pets are a whole different story. (Another dog kennel?)

There may also be a bit of hypocrisy in the fact that I generally have no problem with babies and children being allowed into pubs – and children can often be much more obnoxious than a stoic little Chihuahua. Ultimately, it’s all a matter of context. It depends on the pub, the time of day and the temperament of the dog and/or child.

The creeping indulgence that exists today towards dogs at the dinner table could of course be worse. We are not yet at the point where people are bringing their four-legged friends to concerts, sporting events or nightclubs. (Although I once saw a man using his fingers to puppet a dead squirrel while waiting in line at a nightclub in York.) Dogs have not quite taken over yet. But when it comes to indulging our dog lovers, we need to draw clear lines – it is only a matter of time before the whole social life of this country goes to the dogs.